My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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