I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
