Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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