saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
