My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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