i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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