I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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