I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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