Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
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