and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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