Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.