I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
