I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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