I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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