I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
