Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
