On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
There's always time for handjobs
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Randomize
