Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
