perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
