This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
