By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I queefed so loud it echoed.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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