yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?