Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops