the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
