Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize
