ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
