The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead