I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.