so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
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I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
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He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.