he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
