3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize