i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
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I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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