I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
