He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
