her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
