i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
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he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
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