Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
