I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
