I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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