i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
