he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
