I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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