nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
