I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
