we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
