Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
