We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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