I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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