so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
There's always time for handjobs
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
