First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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