Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
