how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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