someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
