Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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