I take back everything I said about communal showers
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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